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Christopher (1 like, 1 helpful)

Great reel! I love how rich the world painting in this universe is, all without having to directly address the premise. The one bit of criticism I have is on the pacing of your subtitles/dialogue. Most times, the lines are displayed for a moderate amount of time. But sometimes, I find myself having to rewind and pause, as certain lines fly by in under a second. Overall, your storyboard is very effective and I'm excited to see future updates!

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Aug 23, 2022, 6:44 AM

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Crisol (1 like, 1 helpful)

This feels like the good start or first episode for a great series. I will agree with some other commenters that at times I had to remind because I could not read the dialogue in the time frame. But regardless, I was already enthralled with the characters and where the story would be going after this.

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Aug 23, 2022, 4:07 AM

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karen (1 like, 1 helpful)

I really like your drawings! The different compositions, perspective, and movement of it makes it seem realistic. The text was moving quite fast so I had to pause to read, but overall great job!

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Aug 22, 2022, 10:27 PM

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Bernabe (1 like, 1 helpful)

I like the art and character design, also the little action sequence.
I think it's a little piece of a much bigger story.
I got lost quite a lot in general I think they are very close shots in a row.
Good work.

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Aug 22, 2022, 10:14 PM

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Stephanie (1 like, 1 helpful)

Yay! I am so happy to see this come together. In my mind I hear Steve Blum being the voice of Styx. The only thing I had trouble with was viewing the subtitles with the amazing art. They were flying very fast, however I understand your time crunch. As for your music...Bad Romance?!?1 What will these two get into for a bad romance! I love it all. Amazing job on making it this far. The flow of your illustrations and the story is wonderful.

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Aug 21, 2022, 10:43 PM

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Eden

Video is slowed down a bit more now, so hopefully dialogue doesn't go by as fast!! And ahAHAH I put the song in as a joke and started adding frames, just to get them in my editing program, and had the revelation that it genuinely fits them- really has some implications for what their dynamic will be like in the coming future. Thank you so much!!

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Aug 22, 2022, 1:21 AM

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Diederick (1 like, 1 helpful)

Hi Eden,

Congratulations for making it to the end! This is the first piece of work that I’ve seen from you. You developed very good character dynamics, with strong and interesting character poses that strengthened those dynamics.

I’ve also read your description about the purpose of this animatic in relation to the bigger project, so I knew what I was up to while watching your video. I didn’t initially read the story in your description, since I wanted to see if it would make sense visually.

While I was watching your story, I had to pause the video multiple times in order to read all the dialogue. I know you’re going to bring in voice actors, but until that moment happens, I would advice you to retime the shots with dialogue, in order for the audience to read the texts without pausing the video :)

One thing that I was wondering, is why the protagonist is on the ship in the first place (what’s the object he needs to take with him and what’s the bigger goal)? I know that this probably gets clearer in previous episodes, but it’s an important thing to keep the audience invested with the protagonist, remain interested in him and his actions.

After he escapes from the female creature, the dialogue sequence starts. One thing that I was a bit doubtful about, is the amount of time it took for the female creature to find the protagonist again. I don’t think that he really hid himself in any special place in order to not be found. I also didn’t see them close any doors that would made them untraceable to that creature. You might make her find the two earlier in the story, for example, when they’re in the middle of their conversation. Then you could continue the story between the two, while they’re trying to escape the place (running). This raises the tension as well whether the other character wants to escape together with the protagonist.

Alright, having said all that, I’m interested in more! Reading your description, this isn’t the first episode of the series, right? I would advice to continue your series with that episode, in order for you to see how the characters / certain aspects / concepts of the story are going to be introduced.

Please let me know if I can help you in any way with this!

At last but not least, you’ve done great effort in bringing this story to life. I hope that you’ve enjoyed the Xperiential program and that you’ve learned the right things from it.

Good luck!

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Aug 21, 2022, 9:47 PM

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Eden

I've updated the video to be a bit slower, so hopefully the dialogue subtitles aren't as difficult to read now!

This "episode" of sorts is.. technically missing a scene from the beginning. There was a lot I needed to cut out to save time (and generally just finish this by the deadline) and that scene really would have added context to this in a way that.. isn't here unfortunately. There is a prior scene introducing you to Styx, before cutting to an episode intro and then resuming with this animatic. For the most part he remains a mystery of sorts at the start, with only two known facts about him: He is dangerous, and he & the Ministry do not like eachother. He is demonstrated to be going against them.
Thus, when resuming here- he is shown, alarms blaring, stealing papers from a desk that are printed with a Ministry brand logo in the corner, and talking down on them as he goes. His goal would have been established bit better given the scene actually was finished in time :') I may try to board it anyways, if I can find time for it.

The chase scene is a very good point though, thank you! It definitely needs a bit more work, likely to be a bit longer and more elaborate to show him losing her trail, and likely provide more context that there is a skip between him getting away, and him approaching the door he walks through.
During the dialogue conversation, the guards are meant to be heard getting closer to them towards the end, beginning around the pause before Styx says "You don't have to stay here." This isn't audible in this version, as that ties into the voice acting environment. It puts pressure on Charon, our second character, to make a decision.

This episode actually.. would technically be halfway through the series. A lot of stuff is well developed and planned, including the Technical Start of the series! But I honestly ended up doing this scene anyways just cause I knew I'd have a lot of fun with the characters body language and natural push/pull attitude they have- it feels entertaining, and a bit dramatic, and that's really what I was looking forward to!

Thank you so much!!

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Aug 22, 2022, 1:17 AM

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This storyboard is more or less in an episode format, thus a LOT of context isn't initially available On Purpose. If this were a proper series, a lot of backstory (namely for Charon) would already have been revealed, so this is written a bit more under those circumstances rather than a "first episode reveal". I really only aim to catch interest with the characters' interactions here :')

And because I plan to actually bring voice actors into this soon, the timing is very much so off in places (whether that be too slow, or too fast). I spent a majority of the editing for this having fun timing it to the music! So please forgive me for how scuffed all of this is ahah- it'll be reedited properly sometime in the future!

Though incredibly stressful, this was pretty fun and it made me really happy to bring these characters to life finally (and get a taste of what it'd be like to make their story an actual animated series). I hope it isn't too confusing, and thank you for your time!

---- SCENE DESCRIPTION ----
Styx breaks into the prison Andromeda, planning to gather information on the Ministry- schedules, hubs, blueprints, anything he can find. He encounters Donati, the prison warden, and does his best to escape her. After losing her trail in the corridors, he finds his way back to the way he came in- a huge hole in the wall in one of the cell blocks.

He rounds the corner to see Charon emerging from the hole that broke through his cell, holding his head. They make eye contact, and Styx immediately jumps into taunting and teasing him as Charon demands to know what he’s doing there.

They banter and argue for a while. Styx pokes fun at Charon’s past and how he got arrested, going on about the Ministry being corrupt, and Charon reacts in their defense.
Eventually this leads into Styx offering to help him escape “to gain his reputation back, if he wants”. Charon reacts in offense at the offer, but as the guards get closer to them, he reluctantly takes Styx up on it.
Styx laughs and pulls him onto a stolen hoverbike, and the two speed off away from the shouts and gunfire of guards.

-----

yes i used Bad Romance for comedy purposes, words do not explain how much joy it brings be with these two in particular
take a drink for the amount of comedy bits/details i do for the sake of making myself laugh

This is where the special thanks would go!  I’m assuming they will be a little longer this week, therefore, I designed extra space for them. If there is far more description and special thanks then there is space, this entire box becomes scrollable.

Special Thanks:

Team:
edenfinity

Eden

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Maps To The Stars - The Prison

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