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Jjay

Hey Winston, great job on the submission! I remember seeing your story in the earlier weeks so glad to finally see how you wrapped it up. The story is great and I see the potential of a series around these characters. This is a good pilot and from here the characters can grow together and learn more lessons each episode. The feedback I would give you is for you to add music and SFX to your edit. It will support tone and emotions as you're pitching this to anyone in the future. Best of luck!

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Aug 25, 2022, 5:31 AM

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Ivan

First time seeing your story and I wish I follow the progression. Great job finishing the story reel which is an achievement. I wasn't quite clear on the catalyst into act 2, which seems quite a happenstance, and doesn't feel organic. Also there are many additional characters that may not necessarily pertain to the overall contribution to the story. I'd try to simplify and add elements that directly connect to Atlas's struggle to overcome. Btw do you know if Atlas and Infrared can be separated? That'd be interesting to see how they would function without each other. Or if they're attached, how is their relationship change, their ups and downs throughout the story. Entertaining concept nonetheless.

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Aug 22, 2022, 11:21 PM

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Allen (1 like)

Hey, Winston! First off, congrats on finishing your storyreel! I've been following this one for a while, so it's awesome to see the final version for the class. I just wanted to comment that this is such a huge improvement from the previous submission and you should be super proud of what you've created! The story has way more narrative momentum and you've buttoned up most of the confusing points so that things just make sense now. I'm so impressed with how much you've developed this over the course!

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Aug 22, 2022, 3:56 AM

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Julieta (1 like)

Hi Winston! Wooow, I see massive improvements from your last submission.

I remember that I was unclear about how the vampire managed to enter and exit the library, as well as how she knew the content of the purple envelope. You have introduce so good changes regarding this, now it’s perfectly clear, well done!
I also like how well you have depicted the connection between Atlas and Infrared, since Atlas gets ill when Infrared does. That was unclear for me in previous versions, but now it’s perfectly understood.
I see that you have changed the third act, I like this new version! All the little changes you've made make your story flow in a much better way.

Good job and congratulations on finishing the Xperiential program! :)

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Aug 21, 2022, 11:37 AM

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Kristen

Adorable! I remember watching yours a few weeks ago and it was a tad confusing. NOW it’s so much clearer and I understand the characters better! Great job!!

The only suggestion I would make is rewriting the first pink letter from the parents. The word “both” is said waaayyy to many times. It made me laugh because of it but since it was meant to be a serious moment, I think it needs to be written a little differently. Otherwise, you should be very proud of all your work and accomplishments these 8 weeks. Great job!

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Aug 20, 2022, 6:01 PM

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Act 1
Once Upon a Time, there was a boy named Atlas, with a snake named Infrared attached to his head.
Everyday before going to the library, Atlas looks at his journal, while Infrared sketches.
Before living in a tent, they used to live in Hawaii with their parents.
They graduated high school and are heading to college, which they completed 4 years later.
After college, a volcanic eruption occurred, while their parents went missing, worrying the two.
They faced more problems as they do not have a place to go to.
While finding a place to set up their tent, they saw a werewolf named Gibbous in a river before rescuing him.
Gibbous was so grateful, he gave the two jobs at the library, and even offered a place at the library for the two to stay.
After Atlas found about a sale on airline tickets to Hawaii, Atlas rejected Gibbous’ offer.
Despite the sale, the two did not have enough money for the tickets.
Every morning, Gibbous arrives at their tent, howling to wake up the two.
Infrared pulls Atlas, while Gibbous opens the door.
Until one day, Gibbous had accidently left the library door open, allowing a bat to enter the library.
The bat went on top of a bookshelf to rest, but accidently left its envelope in a book, which eventually dropped into a cart near Atlas, who saw the book.

Act 2
Because of that, Atlas decided to open the book and found airline tickets to Hawaii.
The bat wakes up to find its envelope missing, but quickly saw the envelope down below.
The bat flies down and snatches the envelope from Atlas, before exiting the library.
Because of that, Atlas and Infrared ran out of the library to chase the bat.
Outside of the library, Gibbous quickly took notice of the pursuit, and the wind blew strong.
At a nearby tree, Infrared grabs the envelope from the bat, while accidently biting the bat’s flower.
Despite Infrared’s success, Infrared was stuck with the bat in the upper tree branches, immobilizing Atlas to the tree.
Nearby, Atlas could see their tent, which became torn from a blowing tree branch, revealing Atlas’ stuff in the tent.
Because of that, Atlas struggled to pull Infrared from the tree to try to get to the tent.
By the time Atlas pulls out Infrared, the wind blew the tent and their stuff into the river.
Devastated, Atlas rushes to the river, and has only managed to save his only family photo.
Eventually, Gibbous has arrived, and pulled Atlas from the river.
Gibbous showed on what had happened to Infrared, who was covered with purple spots and would not wake up.
Gibbous handed over the purple envelope to Atlas, and they found out that the tickets belong to the bat.
Suddenly, Atlas saw the same purple spots on his hand.
The spots had spread all over his face as Atlas felt pain before falling to the ground.
Luckily Gibbous was able to catch and support Atlas.
The bat saw on what had happened from above, so the bat flew down and picked up the papers that Atlas had suddenly dropped.
The bat transforms into its human form, as the bat quickly introduces herself as Vampiress Oleander.
Oleander felt guilty upon seeing the purple spots on Atlas and Infrared, and tells to the three that there is a nearby hospital.
As Gibbous picks up Atlas, Oleander reverts into her bat form.
Oleander flies across a bridge and into the city, as Gibbous follows behind while carrying Atlas.
After rushing through the city, they all finally reached the hospital.
Hours Later…
Atlas wakes up in a hospital next to Oleander and Gibbous.
Oleander hands to Atlas a piece of paper.
After reading the letter, Atlas flips the piece of paper to reveal that it was the photo he had managed to save near the river.
Atlas looks at Gibbous, who presents to Atlas a pink card, which was the same key that Atlas earlier rejected.

Act 3
Until finally, Atlas decided to go with Gibbous after accepting the pink key, much to Gibbous’ happiness.
Oleander smiled, as she had waved good-bye to the three before leaving for her trip to Hawaii.
A Few Years Later…
Ever since, Atlas and Gibbous now live together on the roof top of the Library.
Both of them had received a letter from Oleander.
After reading the letter, Atlas and Gibbous held each other’s hands.
The moral of the story is
Being home is not about having a place.
Being home is about having the ones we need and love.

This is where the special thanks would go!  I’m assuming they will be a little longer this week, therefore, I designed extra space for them. If there is far more description and special thanks then there is space, this entire box becomes scrollable.

Special Thanks:

Team:
Winston

Winston

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